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Pro-Choice and Pro-Voice

Posts tagged domestic violence

Jun 23 '14

HELP :(

The free PDF of Why Does He Do That? has been deleted from the website I’ve been linking. Does anyone else have a link to another download?

Jun 22 '14

Steps to Change an Abuser

From Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? (free PDF).

There are no shortcuts to change, no magical overnight transformations, no easy way out…

  1. Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners. No denial or minimization.
  2. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally.
  3. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control.
  4. Recognize and show empathy for the effects his abuse has had on you and on your children.
  5. Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes.
  6. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones he is stopping.
  7. Reevaluate his distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathetic view.
  8. Make amends for the damage he has done.
  9. Accept the consequences of his actions.
  10. Commit to not repeating abusive behaviors and honor that commitment.
  11. Accept the need to give up his privileges and do so.
  12. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a lifelong process.
  13. Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future.
Jun 19 '14

What The Abused Partner Can Do

From Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? (free PDF):

  • Get support for yourself no matter how. Find someone somewhere who can understand what you are going through, who can be trusted with confidences, and who can help you hold on to your sense of reality. Reach out.
  • Keep a journal to document your experience, so that when your partner is making you crazy with mind games or with sudden “good” behavior, you can look back through your writings and remember who you really are and what they really do.
  • Stay away from people who aren’t good for you, who don’t understand, who say things that push you down into self-blame.
  • Do anything you can think of that’s good for you, that nurtures your soul. Even people who have extraordinarily controlling partners often can find some ruse that will free them long enough to work out, take a class, go for a walk, or just get some time alone to think.
  • Keep your abusive partner out of your head as much as you can. Use this book to help you understand what they are doing; naming and understanding is power. If you can understand how they think, you can avoid absorbing their thinking yourself and prevent them from crawling inside your head.
  • Don’t blame yourself when you don’t reach your goals right away, when, for instance, you break down and get back together with them. Just pull yourself together and try again. You will succeed eventually, perhaps even on your very next attempt.
Jun 10 '14

If Someone You Love is Abusing Their Partner

Slightly edited from Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? (free PDF):

"One fundamental dynamic has changed little despite three decades of progress in social attitudes toward abuse: No one wants to believe that [someone they love] is abusive."

  1. When someone you care about is accused of abuse, don’t tell yourself that it can’t possibly be true. Instead of falling prey to this knee-jerk reaction, begin by finding out all you can. What exactly do they do that their partner finds abusive? How does their partner say they are affected? What does their partner want them to do differently? Don’t settle for dismissive generalizations: ask for examples of specific interactions.
  2. If you can, speak privately with their partner and tell them what was said. Ask what their concerns are. You may find their complaints are valid and important after all.
  3. Don’t repeat anything their partner has said to you unless you are given permission. You may think your loved one won’t retaliate, but their partner knows better. Ask before sharing anything.
  4. Don’t ignore the things you see. Silence implies acceptance. Speak to each of them separately, sharing your concern about the violent or controlling behavior.
  5. Follow up, especially with your loved one’s partner. Ask privately if the problem is persistent, and what kind of help they could use.
  6. Keeping in mind the partner’s safety, demand accountability from your loved one for their behavior, and urge them to improve.

Abusers often present two very different faces to their partner and the rest of the world. Read more about how abusers conceal their abuse at the link.

Jun 9 '14
Jun 5 '14

My Friend Is Being Abused: What Do I Do?

darrenchris:

bebinn:

If you think your friend is being abused by their partner, but they haven’t said so themselves, there are still some things you can do.

From Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? (free PDF):

  • Tell them that you don’t like the way they are being treated and that you don’t think they deserve it
  • Tell them you love them and that you think they are a good person
  • Ask them to read this book, or one of the books listed in the back
  • Ask them if they would be willing to make plans with you for ways to respond to specific situations. For example, if they’d agree to call you next time their partner started to yell at them. Offer to pay for a night in a hotel the next time their partner gets scary. Ask them if they can stay with you for a bit and clear their head. Brainstorm other ideas with them.
  • If you ever think they’re in immediate danger, call the police.
  • Call and write often, even if they never seem to respond (unless they ask you not to, which may indicate their partner is punishing them for communicating with others).
  • Treat them consistently well. They’ll feel the difference between what you do and what their partner does.
  • Encourage them to call a program for abused partners, “just to talk.” They can find support, reality checks, and room to vent and describe what’s happening to them.
please please PLEASE exercise caution if you are thinking of going to the police. Sometimes they are helpful but it is also very common for calling the police to make a situation worse because often police do nothing (because of lack of proof, because they are abusers themselves (40% of police homes are violent
x
) and other assorted reasons), or they can only remove the abuser for a few days or hours max. All of this risks an angrier abuser which heightens the risk and intensity of violence and can make things much worse. Additionally, any marks left by the victim on the abuser because of fighting back can have the victim charged with assault too, and get them in more trouble than the abuser given how good abusers are at lying. That’s not to say it should never be done, but please think the situation through and if you do it, make sure to have somewhere for the victim to stay that the abuser won’t immediately be returning to.

Absolutely use your best judgment. “Immediate danger” might be battering, but if it’s worse, there may not be time to deliberate.

I really recommend everyone read this book because Bancroft does make it very clear how this can and does happen. Being informed will help you make the best decisions you can for yourself and your loved ones.

Jun 5 '14

Anonymous submission

(Please anonymize this if you share it.)

Thanks for posting that Lundy Bancroft info. I want to offer my own experiences.

There were two ways people really helped me when I was being abused:

—Letting me know, in an understated, calm and non-judgmental way, “That’s not cool of him” “I don’t think he should treat you like that” etc, when I mentioned what was happening. It had begun to seem normal to me.

—One friend told me, again casually and non-judgmentally, “If you need it, I have a spare bedroom with a bed in it and I won’t charge you rent. Let me know.” She wasn’t pushy, only reminded me a couple times but made sure I knew it was OK to ask. I kept saying no. One day I couldn’t take it anymore and I called her from my desk in the middle of the work day and asked, “Can I move in tonight?” and she said sure. I’m crying typing this—that was one of the best and most important things anyone has ever done for me.

Thank you for sharing this, and I’m so glad you had people there for you!

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (free PDF)

Jun 5 '14

My Friend Is Being Abused: What Do I Do?

If you think your friend is being abused by their partner, but they haven’t said so themselves, there are still some things you can do.

From Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? (free PDF):

  • Tell them that you don’t like the way they are being treated and that you don’t think they deserve it
  • Tell them you love them and that you think they are a good person
  • Ask them to read this book, or one of the books listed in the back
  • Ask them if they would be willing to make plans with you for ways to respond to specific situations. For example, if they’d agree to call you next time their partner started to yell at them. Offer to pay for a night in a hotel the next time their partner gets scary. Ask them if they can stay with you for a bit and clear their head. Brainstorm other ideas with them.
  • If you ever think they’re in immediate danger, call the police.
  • Call and write often, even if they never seem to respond (unless they ask you not to, which may indicate their partner is punishing them for communicating with others).
  • Treat them consistently well. They’ll feel the difference between what you do and what their partner does.
  • Encourage them to call a program for abused partners, “just to talk.” They can find support, reality checks, and room to vent and describe what’s happening to them.
Jun 2 '14

How Society Adopts the Abuser’s Perspective

From Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? (free PDF):

The person who says to the abused woman: “You should show him some compassion even if he has done bad things. Don’t forget that he’s a human being too.”

I have almost never worked with an abused woman who overlooks her partner’s humanity. The problem is the reverse: He forgets her humanity.

…To suggest to her that his need for compassion should come before her right to live free from abuse is consistent with the abuser’s outlook.

…People who wish to help an abused woman should instead be telling her what a good person she is.

This applies to rapists as well. They are the ones who deny their victim’s humanity, not the other way around.

Jun 1 '14
"One fundamental dynamic has changed little despite three decades of progress in social attitudes toward abuse: No one wants to believe that his or her own son or brother is an abusive man."
May 18 '14
"The abuser’s nice-guy persona helps him feel good about himself. My clients say to me, “I get along fine with everyone but her. You should ask around about what I’m like; you’ll see. I’m a calm, reasonable person. People can see that she’s the one who goes off.” Meanwhile, he uses the difficulties she is having in her relationships with people - many of which may be caused by him - as further proof that she is the one with the problem."
May 16 '14

nitanahkohe:

this is an absolute must-watch! i have had the privilege of meeting both Lynn (who the film is about—she’s the founder of the Emmonak Women’s Shelter and current director of the Yup’ik Women’s Coalition) and Joeann (current director of the shelter); they are both two of the warmest, strongest, most amazing people i know. this short film is a great introduction to the issue of women’s safety in Alaska Native villages, and hearing from some of the women in the shelter (the only one in any of the 229 indigenous villages in Alaska!) is very moving.

Daughters of Emmonak is a documentary film about a Yup’ik Eskimo woman, Lenora “Lynn” Hootch, working to bring an end to domestic abuse in her rural village of Emmonak, Alaska. In 1982, Lynn opened the Emmonak Women’s Shelter to provide a safe place for women and children from surrounding villages. Lynn has dedicated her life to reclaiming her people’s culture and traditional values as alcohol, drugs, and violence have torn through her community. Daughters of Emmonak brings these powerful stories to the fore, highlighting Lynn’s dream of a future where her grandchildren will walk the streets without fear.

May 14 '14

curvellas:

i also find it hilarious that so many people are defending a man’s right to hit a woman back, forgetting that many abusive men will sometimes slowly escalate abuse. they’ll get in your face, crowd you, physically intimidate you, refuse to back up, corner you, scream directly in your face, spit on you, all in the spirit of waiting for you to push them or swing on them or put your arms up to protect yourself. THEN they haul off and beat the shit out of you, confident in the knowledge of “she hit me first” or “she started it” like that’s why you have to keep a close eye on these men that gleefully and willingly and openly admit that they would hit a woman who hit them first. a lot of the times they’re the same ones that orchestrate exactly that so they have an excuse to wail on a woman. and many of those men are sitting around, watching this situation, feeling justified for their behavior, thinking that their same fellow men who are talking about in the instance of being outright attacked by an out of control woman or a woman with a weapon is the same spineless abusive shit they be on. so just, know that you’re confirming abusive behavior and encouraging it while you’re out here on that “IF SHE HIT YOU HIT HER BACK” shit.

All of this. Abusers will sometimes even get others/the police to believe their abuse was self-defense, when it’s actually the other way around. Since they’re in total control and their victim is upset and flustered, they get away with it.

Why Does He Do That? should be required reading for everyone.

May 12 '14
"Is it any wonder abusers are reluctant to change? The benefits of abuse are a major social secret, rarely mentioned anywhere. Why? Largely because abusers are specialists in distracting our attention. They don’t want anyone to notice how well this system is working for them (and usually don’t even want to admit it for themselves). If we caught on, we would stop feeling sorry for them and instead start holding them accountable for their actions. As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives."

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (free PDF)

Abusers are not out of control. Abusers don’t act in a fit of passion. Abusers aren’t unaware of what they’re doing. But abusers are very good at making it seem like they are.

May 11 '14
freemarissanow:

Mother’s Day Week of Action: May 9-18!Support Marissa Alexander, Mothers in Prison, & Mothers Everywhere!
Send Marissa love by donating to the Marissa Alexander Legal Defense Fund.  Your donation will help her win her trial, reuniting her with her children, family, and community for good.

Marissa, now out of prison, is under house arrest for firing a warning shot to stop her abusive husband from attacking her.

freemarissanow:

Mother’s Day Week of Action: May 9-18!
Support Marissa Alexander, Mothers in Prison, & Mothers Everywhere!

Send Marissa love by donating to the Marissa Alexander Legal Defense Fund.  Your donation will help her win her trial, reuniting her with her children, family, and community for good.

Marissa, now out of prison, is under house arrest for firing a warning shot to stop her abusive husband from attacking her.