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I am 17 and I just found out I am pregnant.. I live with my boyfriend and I turn 18 in just a few days. I wasn’t expecting this, at all. I’m freaked out and I have no idea what to do. and as in just found out literally it was probably 20 minutes ago and I can’t stop crying. my boyfriend comes home from work in 5 hours and I’m scared to death. I don’t even know what to do. I need advice. I don’t know if I want to keep it, or not. I have an eating disorder. The most calories I’ve had in a day in the past five years has been 1,000 . And that is below what a non-pregnant person should eat whilst on a hard diet. I can’t eat more than 1,000 or I will honestly %100 puke everything up and be sick for the rest of the day. I’m scared this will kill me, and/or the baby so I don’t know what to do about it. I need some advice from both sides. What happens during an abortion? I’m no more than two months along. Should I go that route? Or should I keep the baby? Would that kill me? Any help/advice would be better than none. So anon or not please help me out. Thanks.
That sounds super overwhelming and scary! An unplanned pregnancy by itself can be really shocking, and trying to deal with an eating disorder at the same time sounds so stressful :(
I have lots of resources for you, though!
Resources for Decision-Making and Low-Income Parenting is the big one, and it’s exactly what it sounds like. Things to help you work and talk through your decision, people who can help you afford what you need, etc. There’s even a new online support group for pregnant women and moms with eating disorders called Lift the Shame, if you’re considering keeping the pregnancy.
Not getting enough nutrition can negatively affect your health, and it can affect the baby’s development if you decide to continue the pregnancy, so it’s really important to find some help managing your eating disorder. It may be hard, but if you do continue the pregnancy, you’ll need to be honest with your prenatal health doctor so they know how best to help you.
National Eating Disorders Association - Pregnancy and Eating Disorders
I have lots, lots more information and resources if you need them, so please don’t hesitate to send me a message or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org! Best, best wishes!
Ok, so it’s not that extreme. But really - just pee in a cup. You pee like 5 times a day anyway so why not head over to your local Planned Parenthood health center and pee in their bathroom?
You might also want to ask for a blood test or a physical exam. STD tests are quick and easy, and you’ll feel better when you know your status.
Hi there, I had unprotected sex but my bf used the pull out method. My period is a week late, I took two pregnancy tests and they both came out negative. Even though it came out negative I am still worried. My bf says its stress but I am not sure. What should I do?
Hi, anon! The pregnancy tests depend on how long it’s been since you had unprotected sex. Pregnancy tests detect hCG, which starts being released once the fertilized egg implants in your uterine lining. It can take up to 24 hours for the sperm to reach the egg, and it takes another few days for a fertilized egg to travel into the uterus and implant.
The best/earliest time to take a pregnancy test is around or a little after when your period is due, which you did! And they were negative! So you are probably not pregnant. If you’re still worried, it’s never a bad idea to get a doctor’s opinion, either from your general practitioner or from a local women’s health center (just be sure you don’t wander into a fake one). One late period is probably nothing to worry about, but more than one may be a sign of something you and your doctor should know about.
One time, the month before I got my implant, my period was two weeks late. Two weeks. I wasn’t at risk of getting pregnant, wasn’t stressed, wasn’t sick, wasn’t on medications, no weight or exercise issues…nothin’. Sometimes, periods are just weird.
Part of being a responsible, safe-sex-having human being is making sure you and your partner are safe from STIs and unwanted pregnancy. There are lots of options for preventing pregnancy, so you can choose the perfect one(s) for you. My Nexplanon, or the birth control implant, is over 99% effective and is basically foolproof - I can pretty much forget about it for the next three years, and it’ll still do its job.
Bedsider and Planned Parenthood can help you figure out which method is best for you. The most effective methods are the implant and the IUD, but if you’re not into those, there’s also the pill, the patch, the ring, the shot, and condoms (which you should always wear unless you and your partner have both tested negative for STIs recently!). Effective birth control means less stress for you and your partner, and more time for the fun stuff.
Let me know if there are any other questions I can answer. Thank you for writing, and best wishes, anon!
Need your advice, I'm 21y.o. I'm 4 weeks gestation, 2-3 weeks conception. I don't want to abort but I have a strong reason to. I know that once I go through it I am going to feel sad and maybe regretful. What can make this process a little easier ? How do I know if I'm making the right choice ?
I really can’t advise you one way or another. You should do what you believe is the best option for you, and you alone. Regardless of what anyone else says, regardless of who they are. If you don’t want to abort, you shouldn’t have to. Do you want to keep your pregnancy and be a mother? Is adoption an option for you? Or do you think that abortion would be your best bet? It’s really all up to you, but I can offer you support in your decision, no matter what it is. I hope all goes well and you are at peace with whatever you decide. (:
Anon, call Backline if you can! They will talk with you about your options and offer support as you think about your decision.
My Considering Abortion page may help!
I had an abortion over a year ago. I can't forgive myself and can't get over it. I feel disgusted with myself. And hurt. I just rushed into it. Its the biggest regret. I want kids more than anything, I'm so young and I know this but I do. And it sucks.
Regret after having an abortion is common and normal, and it makes a lot of sense why you would be feeling this way if you rushed into it. Its a big decision to make, and often times we wish we had more time or had done something differently. We can’t go back in time, but we can learn to live with the pain and let it make us stronger, allow the hurt to become less overbearing through healing. I have two tabs on my blog “Self Care” and “Post Abortion Rituals” perhaps some ideas on there may help you become closer to peace. You deserve to forgive yourself, to know you did the very best you could at the time, it can be too easy to judge our past selves in hindsight but that just isn’t fair. One day you will have the kids you were meant to, and it will be right. *hugs* <3 -Kate
I am a college teacher, and one of my students (22 years old) confided in me that she is getting an abortion. The father refuses to drive her to the clinic, and she doesn't want to tell any of her family or friends. Are there any services available to drive someone to and from the appointment? Because I am her teacher, I don't feel that it's appropriate for me to do this.
Thank you for messaging me, and for being someone safe for your student to confide in! I can understand the professional/ethical issues with being involved in a private (and controversial, unfortunately) medical decision with one of your students. It sounds like a very tough situation for her.
Without knowing where you are, it’s hard to pinpoint directly relevant resources, but if you check the National Network of Abortion Funds, they may have a fund in your area that provides rides, or that has some suggestions if they don’t provide the service themselves. Backline and the National Abortion Federation may be able to help find resources, and she could call the clinic to see if they have any ideas.
As a last resort, she could try getting a taxi, if she can afford it. It’s not ideal, but it’s easier than navigating public transportation.
Best wishes to your student, and thank you for your message!
Emotions surrounding abortion vary greatly. Regret, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, hurt - even happiness. The list could go on and on, but the most important thing to remember is that every single one is valid. Maybe you feel one at a time. Maybe you feel relief first, and regret fifteen years later. Maybe you find peace after five years of sadness. Maybe you feel everything at once.
So what do you do? On one side, people are adamant about most people feeling relief. On the other, they drill regret and depression. Take a moment and forget the sides. Knock down that damn barrier that keeps you from fully wrapping your mind around your feelings. Forget the debates (no matter how polite they are), forget the fake sympathy that sounds so sticky sweet from those who pretend to care, and forget the cruel words that attack your personal decision. Focus on you and your needs.
Perhaps your needs include a nice cup of Irish breakfast tea (Mint? Earl Grey? Green?) and a hot bath. Or maybe you need a good book and a snuggle with your puppy. Maybe a good Lifetime movie and a long cry will help everything.
Or maybe your needs include a talk with your best friend. Your mother. Your sweet old horse that taught you to always get back in the saddle. Or even yourself - that long blog post lifted such a heavy weight from your shoulders!
But maybe you need more help. Maybe you need to speak with someone who doesn’t know you. Maybe you need spiritual healing. Maybe you just want to talk to someone - anyone - who will listen and leave their personal feelings behind.
So where do you go? And how do you know if a place is safe - how do you know they won’t judge you?
After some personal research, I’ve compiled a list of safe places and unsafe places. This list comes from looking at the websites and their wording and follower recommendations.
What is Safe:
- Exhale - (1-866-4-394253) - Available in multiple languages (English, Spanish, Cantonese, Mandarin, and Vietnamese). Talkline is open Monday-Friday 5:00-10:00 PM Pacific Time, and Saturday-Sunday 12-10 PM Pacific Time. If you live outside the United States, you can call (510-446-7977)
- Connect and Breathe - (1-866-647-1764) - Listening Line is open Tuesdays 6pm-9pm EST, Thursdays 6pm-9pm EST, and Saturdays 10am-2pm EST
- Faith Aloud - (1-888-717-5010) - This is a nonjudgmental religious (Roman Catholic, Jewish, Unitarian-Universalist, Protestant Christian, and Buddhist) hotline. You will have to call ahead to set up an appointment. Tell the person who answers that you would like to set up an appointment with a counselor. They will take a little bit of information and then select a counselor who would be a good fit for you. They will have the counselor call you at the time of your choice. If you receive the voicemail when you call, just leave a first name and number and say that you want to speak with a counselor.
- Backline - (888.493.0092) - Offers pre- and post-decision counseling and resources.
What is Not Safe:
- Project Rachel - Many Project Rachel centers have websites, and almost all of them shame those who have had an abortion on the first page. (The one in Atlanta, for example, has the photo of a man with the sign “Abortion Kills Children” as their header). The main website also claims that they do not cater to those who felt relief after their abortion.
- Rachel’s Vineyard - This extremely rude and snarky answer in their FAQ raised red flags for me.This is not a safe place.
- Pro-Life America - Uses the fear tactic that there is a relation between abortion and breast cancer.
- Option Line - This name is extremely misleading! Very anti-abortion and a lot of shameful language on the website.
- Surrendering the Secret - At first glance, this looks like a great supportive, religious post-abortion Bible Study. And while some of the material is wonderful for those looking for a Christian perspective, the video they give as an overview concerns me. The woman who started the group states that she wants post-abortive women to “use their stories to tell people the horrible truth about abortion.” I’m hesitant to call this a safe space.
- Forgiven and Set Free - They say that abortion is “the rape you consented to.” Do not touch that place with a 50 ft pole.
If you have additional information for this post, please let me know.
Recently noticed several unsafe places being promoted as good post-abortion counseling, and thought I would bring this post back. I’ve added a few things to the unsafe list.
Surviving trauma takes “firefighters” and “builders.” Very few people are both.
In times of crisis, we want our family, partner, or dearest friends to be everything for us. But surviving trauma requires at least two types of people: the crisis team — those friends who can drop everything and jump into the fray by your side, and the reconstruction crew — those whose calm, steady care will help nudge you out the door into regaining your footing in the world. In my experience, it is extremely rare for any individual to be both a firefighter and a builder. This is one reason why trauma is a lonely experience. Even if you share suffering with others, no one else will be able to fully walk the road with you the whole way."
Catherine Woodiwiss shares 10 things she learned about trauma – not your usual listicle, but a thoughtful, remarkable, existentially necessary read.
(via The Dish)
This is why I’m not still in contact with 99% of my college friends. They were excellent fire-fighters. They helped me escape a shitty situation and helped keep me alive in the immediate aftermath. But after a month? Two? They expected everything to go back to normal. And I just wasn’t ready. I didn’t even know what normal was anymore.
K and a select few others in my life have been both and I am grateful to them. Because without them, recovery is a very lonely experience.
Hello, thanks for having an informative and positive space about abortions. I was just wondering if you could see if you can find information on one thing; the effects abortions have on the partner not having the abortion. I am about to have an abortion and i am a bit of a wreck which means i'm not really in a place to support my partner right now but i want to so i tried to do some research and find resources and information on the effect it has but everything was very anti choice and gross.
I don’t off the top of my head. Can anyone else help anon find unbiased sources about the non-pregnant partner’s emotions after an abortion?
Also, I hope your procedure goes smoothly and you have an easy recovery. If you need any help or resources, don’t hesitate to ask me or the other pro-choice blogs. <3
Try Exhale’s website! They have information for the partner/family/loved ones.
It is so kindhearted of you to be thinking of ways to support your partner while you yourself are having the abortion! I hope your partner is also working on supporting you, and that you are taking time to care for yourself. Best, best wishes!
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